Thought that wizards weren’t real? My brother in Gandalf who do you think installed all the software on your computer? 

Welcome to the world of spell casters, niggardly goblin bandits, twink elves, and last and definitely the least: the mining dwarves (any person below 5’ 7”). Well, we used to call it the world of Dungeons & Dragons but then a second dragon hit the dual spires, and we didn’t want to mention them anymore. But anyway, as a member of The Wizarding Council, I am well-equipped to inform you of our ways. Let me first start with the core tenets:

The first rule of The Wizarding Council is: You don’t talk about… that’s right, wenches. You must first remove the root of all desire. This was stipulated by Gautama Buddha, the very first wizard who could cast the spell ‘Attain Nirvana’, which conjures a gang of annoying men who would ask you to name 3 Nirvana songs (only works on women). Remember, apprentices before wenches. 

Rule 2: Always have your wand and pointy hat with you. Never judge a tome by its cover but always judge a wizard by their pointy hat and wand. If people do not remark “This pic goes hard” to a photograph of yours, are you even a wizard?

Rule 3: Don’t be misogynistic. It is unfortunately true that the mindset of old wizards is quite dated, to say the least. However, the younger progressive generation has been politically active and is seeking to instil some reforms in the Constitutional Scrolls. Even Rule 1 has come under fire these days, with ‘wenches’ being considered derogatory. And quite frankly, I have to agree. The objectification of women has become absurd. Even witches are being forced to stick to the kitchen, making potions in their giant cauldrons. This needs to stop, we can be better.

Rule 4: Peace must be maintained at all costs between the different wizarding factions. Pyromancers, cryomancers, geomancers, and even necromancers, all coexist together. All that changed when the technomancers attacked. Situations have become complicated with new niche fields opening up.  Technomancers have greatly increased in strength over the past few decades. These are the ones who install all the software on your computers. Back in my day, we stuck to our manuscripts to learn our spells. But anyway, the greatest threats to society these days are the dripmancers. These lunatics don’t bother to learn anything except ‘Avada Balenciaga’ and the only potions they bother using is Chanel no.5. What causes me to shudder the most is that one so-called rizzmancer has appeared in the Forbes 30 Wizards Under 30 list. The horror. 

Rule 5: ‘Scroll sniffer’ is a slur and any person caught saying it will be sentenced to the lash. Do not get tempted by dwarves who use slurs to refer to their fellow brethren. They say things like “Wassup my digger” and nobody bats an eye. Unserious people.

Rule 6: Never cast the forbidden spells unless you have a permit for them. Contrary to popular belief, some of these spells are quite easy to learn, which can lead to mass spellcastings, sometimes even in magic schools. You can blame the USA’s Second Amendment, more specifically Amendment 2 ¾ which states that every person has the right to bear wands. Dangerous spells like ‘Testicular Torsion’ wreak havoc among many wizards mainly because it’s easy to cast. Other forbidden spells like ‘Clitoral Combustion’ aren’t as easy because many apprentices struggle to locate the target in the first place. Regardless, please refrain from casting these spells.

Rule 7: Be careful in the stock market. Invest wisely, buy low, sell high. Moneymancers are projected to be a dominant force with the rise of late-stage capitalism. Although there are some bright young minds who are devoted to the cause of socialism, no wizard is stronger than the almighty dollar. The corporations are just too powerful. And don’t be dumb and greedy by casting transmutation spells on metals to turn them into gold. This causes inflation and all the gold will become worthless. Learn economics and be cautious.

Rule 8: Stay wary of the goblins in the forest should you try to traverse them. Goblins are an annoying bunch, always trying to steal your money. They’re extremely weak and will perish with a single fireball but the problem is that goblins are considered ‘sub-human’ and thus, animal rights laws apply to them. And no, this is not the same as what Hitler did. You can check goblin crime statistics, despite making up 20% of the population, they commit 80% of the crimes. The Wizard division of the CIA might’ve been responsible for that by funnelling crack into goblin-majority neighbourhoods but that was just some minuscule smidgen of tomfoolery. So yes, don’t engage with them, don’t buy their ‘drugs’, just take the higher road and teleport away.

These rules are enough for wizards not in the inner council. They’re easy enough to follow, but before you set on a path of wizardry, I must ask you: Why choose this life? If the answer is power, then I’m afraid this life is not for you friend. A true wizard is kind first of all. Getting drunk with power and going insane is the fate of many a dark wizard who thought they could eliminate the council and rule the world. If your answer is getting elf head, then right on brother you chose right.

One last important piece of information: The way of the wizards is sacred, and a certain amount of discretion is required. Most of the wizards have regular day jobs, with a significant amount of them moonlighting as mall Santas. The fit is obvious, isn’t it? They just swap their pointy hats for Santa hats and just call it a day. Ironically, Santa couldn’t keep his wizarding life a secret. He would go on to violate labour law #34 by using elf slaves to do all his bidding. Need I remind you the only reason he is associated with red and white is because he signed a contract with Coca-Cola. It’s actually true, look it up, and I mean the Santa Coca-Cola ordeal and not Santa Rule 34. Don’t ask him why the quality of his gifts is proportional to how well-off each household is. He is now wanted for committing war crimes in the Balkan states. Another similar case of a spellcaster who couldn’t keep their mouth shut is Selena Gomez. She made a self-glorifying documentary, that you may know as Wizards of Waverly Palace (Hannah Montana was better anyway). As far as we know, she hasn’t been involved in any war crimes. However, it must be noted that her response on Instagram to the invasion of Palestine has been poor. It is suspicious and we are looking into the matter. 

But yes, wizard lore dumps can be saved for another day. For now, stock up on those mana potions, stroke your wands, and embark on your magical journey to do something I guess. Godspeed, apprentice.

[All photo credits to r/wizardposting]

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