A Not-So-Merry Christmas

Oh dear, it’s that time of the month again. Good lord, when will I catch a break? I spent the whole year planning and coordinating work, and now I must execute everything. What a royal pain in my breeches. 

Every year Christmas comes, and you humans sing, “Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way!” Well, guess what? I do not want to jingle all the way, thank you very much. The bells on my sleigh need a lot of maintenance, and do you know how tiring it is to travel nearly 40,000 km in a single night? Or just over 24 901 miles for you Americans. Seriously, like how hard is it to follow SI units? Your penchant for sticking out like a sore thumb has given my dim-wit elves a headache just keeping track of all the conversions. This is why I’d rather hire non-American elves, hmph.

Speaking of distance, are you humans even able to comprehend the amount of hay my reindeer need? Imagine feeding 9 reindeer enough hay to travel all across the world. Especially Rudolph, boy, can that deer eat. It burns a massive hole in my pocket, and I’m Santa! Things should be chill around here. But I suppose you can relate, especially with your horribly exorbitant petrol prices. I remember when I tried living in your world for a day, and to be very honest, I’d much rather prefer my bumpy, slightly chipped 1,700-year-old sleigh instead. At least then, I wouldn’t have to sell a kidney to travel, and I don’t think I even have a kidney. But at least I had quite the story to tell my elves, one that involved old, mouldy pizza and frequent trips to the lavatory.

And don’t even get me started on the elves. I love them all to bits, but you try managing around 193,000 highly energetic, easily distracted mini humanoids. To their credit, they are excellent gift planners, but boy, do they suck at execution. I have to keep prodding them 7348 times a day to finish wrapping a single gift that’s been sitting on their workbench for hours. Heh, I guess they do take after me a bit.

The chorus of several voices wishing “Merry Christmas!” in unison echo through my walls on Christmas eve, but it really isn’t a merry job. Do you understand how tedious (and quite frankly, disturbing) it is to make a naughty or nice list? It was so much easier a few decades ago. Now all of you folks are such sinners to the point that the line between naughty and nice is super blurred, especially with all you new; ah, how do I put it in PG-13 terms? Oh right, yes, your er, particular fondness for the word “naughty”. It makes my job infinitely harder, I tell you. 

And filtering through all the lists and ensuring that the elves do their work and keeping track of everyone and everything is so time-consuming – I haven’t spent time with my wife for ages. She hasn’t really mentioned it because she’s too nice, but I have my responsibilities too. And sometimes, I wonder if this job is even worth it if I can’t spend even a little bit of eternity with my wife. 

Perhaps Jack Frost would be a suitable replacement. I mean, he’s got the whole snow pizzazz thing going for him and for some reason, the youngins seem to like him a lot. Harrumph! I don’t see what all the fuss is about; he’s just a lad with white hair. Although he does need a wardrobe update, he wears the same thing every time he visits. Take me, for example. I go through carmine, burgundy, barn red, and crimson all in one week. Variation is important!

Oh, wait. Oh, balderdash! I forgot Christmas was tomorrow! You’re such a good listener, so good to the point that I forgot about my work. Aaaah, my list isn’t completely done either, and I’m 100% sure that the elves didn’t finish the gift wraps. Cheese and crackers, I’m yeeting right now. Isn’t that what the kids say these days? I picked the lingo up when I went through my naughty or nice list. It’s quite a funny word. Yeet. Yeet-yeet. Yeetus. Ok, I’m done. Anyways I am running horribly late for Christmas; I’ll see you again soon! Make sure to stay on the nice list 🙂


This article was written by Aishwariya

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