An Honest PI – Oktoberfest
1. Introduce yourself.
I’m Shilpa, from a department I say I’ve always wanted but it’s the one I’ve had to settle for. I’m originally from Hyderabad but I’ve had the misfortune of spending two brilliant years in Kota where I learnt how to stomach mess food among other things (wink-wink). I’m your generic second year trying to mask my inadequate GPA under the delusion that extracurriculars somehow add to my profile. And my low self-esteem prevents me from saying anything more.
2. Why do you want to be a part of Oktoberfest?
Oktoberfest is a four-day ‘extravaganza’ where expectations are certainly not exceeded, and the hype train definitely derails. Also, I get to see guys from other colleges…and I guess Oktoberfest is one of those fests which would give me the chance to have any semblance of a social life.
Also, I get a chance to swap mess food for a limited choice of food stalls serving ‘gourmet food’ with questionable hygiene at exorbitant prices. Considering how much I look forward to this fest, applying for it seems like the only worthwhile thing to do. Also, everyone wants to be a part of it and I’m an engineering student who wrote JEE because I wanted to, so yeah.
I guess it is evident that this fest is literally the reason for my entire existence and that me not being a part of it would mean the very end of my purpose in life, I beg you to take me in. If I don’t get in, my already non-existent self-esteem will fall harder than my grades did, and I’ll only be wetting my pillow.
3. What other clubs are you a part of?
I am a functioning member (or at least I fancy myself to be one) of AC. I’m also part of the freshest fest in the campus, which you obviously know is Uttej. Besides that, I took some time off to carefully research the clubs and teams, to shortlist them based on their pros and cons. I have decided that I’m only going to take part in the inductions for a select few: Epsilon, even though I haven’t written a single line of code, but it sounds so cool; Crawler, again, because it sounds cool. Cinemaniacs, because I am proficient in the art of buying tickets over the counter and I thought Sex and the City was about something far more objectionable. Also, I was thinking about joining XYZ, ABC, DEF…
4. If you’re inducted, how do you plan to manage your time?
If given the honour of being inducted into the prestigious confines of this fest, I’ll dedicate my entire heart and soul to running away from my responsibilities. I’ll ensure that I’m always unavailable for meetings because I’m too busy mulling over the idea of perhaps starting to study for that CT I have in that week, and then realising that another binge-watching session would be the best use of my time instead. I’ll spend countless precious hours scrolling mindlessly through social media while ignoring your incessant calls to share some poster on the very same medium. I’ll also be the first person to sign up if anytime you are offering treats, because let’s not kid ourselves here, I’m not going to actually work towards deserving it; I’ll be there because I want to escape mess food, even if it means tolerating sentimental farewell speeches from seniors I’ve never known and have never bothered to learn about either. I’ll manage my time so well that you’ll be awed at how someone (with no notion of priorities) can be so pointless within the club and still manage to tank their GPA so badly.
5. Assume you have a CT on the day of an Oktoberfest meeting, and you haven’t studied for it. There’s also an Uttej meeting that day. What do you do in this situation?
Whatever do you mean by assume I haven’t studied for it? Does my face look like it belongs to an RG god to you? I’ve spent countless hours GPA-shaming my class toppers and also begging them for notes before CTs, studying is just not my jam. So I’ll ditch academics for what matters immensely: your amazing, I mean, our amazing fest. As for Uttej, I’ll tell them my priorities have changed and I’m inclined towards expanding my skill-set, which only Oktoberfest provides.
Of course, what I’ll actually end up doing is that I’ll tell Uttej people that I have an Oktoberfest meeting and you guys that I have a compulsory Uttej meeting and bunk both in an attempt to cry, I mean, study, and I’ll end up staying up till 2 in the morning, cooking illegal Maggi and guilt-eating.
6. Generic task: come up with a theme for the next edition of this fest and a tagline.
Theme: Cliché theme that has been shamelessly reused in barely disguised avatars year upon year.
Tagline: revel, revisit, reverberate, resonate and a bunch of other fancy words starting with R that I googled just now. It was so much effort, so yeah, please take me in now!
7. Picture this scenario: you are in charge of (random rap artist/DJ that the audience will go gaga over because they’re white) and just before their performance, they ask you for vodka. What do you do?
VODKA?! But isn’t that…isn’t that, like, alcohol? I mean, it is alcohol. How would I even get them the alcohol? Is there any shop nearby which isn’t shady? Don’t get me wrong, I’ve tried searching, but I’ve never really been successful. Or does the artist already have the vodka in this hypothetical scenario? If so…don’t note this down or record it or something…but, could I borrow some from him? I’ve never tried vodka!
8. Have you liked all our social media handles?
Oh definitely no, I have ample time to go through the posts that make no sense, but skimming through your social media profiles which might give me a sliver of a chance of getting selected? Ugh, I’m not going to take that risk, at all! And anyway you’re not going to check, so why bother. Moreover, if you try forcing me into liking your media handles, I’m going to lie to you that I’m not exactly a social butterfly even though I literally just posted a random status of a meme I relate to.
9. How will you go about publicizing this fest?
I’ll complain about the fest to all my friends from other colleges, tell them how my pizza slice from that generic food stall was smaller than that of the guy before me. I’ll also make sure to show them only the cringiest videos possible because the good ones, well, how’s that going to add to the fun factor, right? Also, no autographs to the audience from the special stars that are dragged down here, how terrible is that.
10. Rate your performance in this PI. Rate this PI as well.
I would rate myself a nine out of ten in this PI just to make you realise that I was good yet humble. However, you unworthy interviewers, you get a negative infinity! Putting me in undue pressure situations! What if I had overthought and given a plausible answer! Who would’ve taken responsibility for my fried brain circuitry and increased tolerance to sensitive situations! Ungrateful seniors, I don’t know how you passed, but what the hell, I’ll commend you more because I’ve got to suck up to you.
11. Do you have any questions for us?
Oooh, of course, I asked my friend who applied for other teams what question she asked and I’m parroting her here. I want to make sure you feel I’m interested if all the desperation in my tone isn’t giving it away already.