Fail safe ways to retrieve the money you loaned to your friends

Do you feel that your friends exploit the generosity of your heart and more importantly, of your wallet? Do you always end up paying for people around you who always find a way to never pay you back? And are you too proud and/or shy to ask them to cough up? Well, this page is definitely for you! The solution to your problem is perseverance, shamelessness, a million other vices that can be overlooked and…

 

#10 “Dude, you owe me 37 bucks.”

We call this approach Full-on Bluntness. This one is not for the chicken-hearted. This might require you to stand up to your friend (nose to nose if you can manage it, for the effect, also to make sure there’s no way you go unnoticed). There’s a very good chance that your friend will reply with a raised eyebrow and a “Huh?” or “So?”, in which case you’ll have to rephrase your point. Something like, “Dude, you owe me 37 bucks. I want it back. Now.” might help.

 

#9 “You know, I lost a bet on the match yesterday. Oh, that reminds me, you owe me 37 bucks.”

This one we call On a Casual Note. If you think your friend might evade this one too, try, “You know, it rained a lot in South Africa yesterday. Speaking of rain, when are you going to pay me the 37 bucks you owe me?” That should definitely drive the point home.

 

#8 And your tongue shall set you free

Whenever you see this friend, accost him/her and start talking about how irritating it is when people owe you money. Don’t allow interruptions. It’s okay to follow them around too. You shouldn’t be surprised if this friend walks off in the opposite direction the next time he/she sees you. And, by now, things like this shouldn’t stop you.

 

#7 Touch the right nerve

When your friend is with people he/she wants to look cool around (bf, gf, date, juniors…), accidentally let slip (loudly) that he/she owes you money. Works like magic!

 

#6 The double-edged sword

This one requires meticulous stalking. The object is to somehow catch your friend when he/she opens his/her wallet to pay for something and then exclaim, “Well, somebody’s rich. How about I get my 37 bucks now?” Your friend can’t escape this (unless you are really dense). If he/she has no money, this exercise will serve as a jovial reminder. Now, this can also backfire on you. That’s when you end up paying for your friend. Again.

 

#5 Installments – A poor man’s alternative

This is a slow but sure way of getting your money back. All you have to do is extract your money in instalments of small, seemingly negligible sums (in 2s, 5s…) from your friend. Be careful not to borrow too frequently. If you get the sum and the frequency right you might even reap interest from them.

If you haven’t managed to get your money back so far then the Drastic Measures are for you. If your wallet has been refilled we implore, you read no further:

 

#4 An eye for a tooth

This is for the people with loose moral fibre that allows certain loopholes for the greater good. The key is to steal something from your friend that equals the sum borrowed in value.

 

#3 Text your way into money

We personally recommend this method for engineering graduates. Least amount of work involved and surprisingly high returns! Especially when your friend owes more than one person. Get 5-6 different sim cards and text your friend stuff like, “Good morning! How much do we owe people today?” Or “Guess who borrows money and never pays back?” every morning, noon and night from different numbers.

 

#2 Fair Trade

Steal something your friend values a lot and leave behind a ransom note (Google if you are not sure how to draft one). *Also, get yourself a decent pair of gloves. **To avoid suspicion, always ask for at least 5 times the money your friend owes you. You can always think of ways to return the extra in your own sweet time (Or not and call it compensation for the mental trauma your friend put you through).

 

#1 Face Off

If all else fails, don’t lose heart. This will work for anyone. It’s a little tricky though. Pounce on your friend when he/she is walking alone down a dark, deserted street (when you do this, make sure you are in a proper guise – a ninja costume complete with a mask would do just fine) and hold a knife to his/her throat (or a gun to his/her head if you can get one) and mug him/her blind. Also warn (in a fake voice, of course) not to mess with anyone’s money. Follow * & ** mentioned above. Oh and, don’t forget to establish an alibi.