King of Capitol Hill
Read Sudarshan Suresh’s take on the biggest political crisis we face today, in this creative piece.
2019 AD, Washington, D.C.
Trump had his hand on the button. In an act of retribution, he was about to nuke the diminutive island nation of Western Samoa. Their leader had just called his right hand, Mike Pence, ‘puny and powerless’. Trump of course took offense, assuming he was referring to his anatomical right hand.
But first, let me fill you in on the years preceding this. It’s going to be amazing. Believe me.
Trump was barely into his third year but was already with his fourth wife. Melania left him when he mistook the Slovenian for a Slovakian, a rookie mistake if he hadn’t chatted up the Slovakian instead. Ultimately, Silvia Farkašová was the first fourth wife to be first lady.
Twitter was now the official medium of federal communication, the constitution was condensed to 140 characters and retweets were certified executive orders. Trump, once the punchline to every joke, was now pulling no punches. Transmission lines were monitored, full pages of the dictionary were outlawed and an official rubric for communication was issued. Along with Trumpspeak (telling it, like it is), Alt-fact too became a part of society. ‘America First…’, he proclaimed. ‘…in unemployment and debt’ he chose not to say.
School shootings were at a record low, but so were the number of functioning schools. With Trump refusing to grab them by the Uzi, the gun lobby had a field year. It isn’t just Janie who’s got a gun now. Procuring a Colt .45 and two zigzags in Brooklyn was now as easy as catching a cold at a Knicks game. The governor of California, Kanye Omari West, aptly addressed Trump’s inaction – ‘Yeezus, how could you be so heartless?’
Every week, a die was rolled at Capitol Hill to decide which country to include in the immigration ban. Notable additions included Agrabah and Wadiya. Even the Indians were soon proH1Bited from residing in the country. But Achhe Din had long last arrived so they scurried back home in nationalistic fervour. Refugees rerouted to Canada, where Trudeau welcomed each with garlands and maple syrup. In other news, just last week he issued his second apology to them for being too apologetic.
Trump himself was banned from the EU when he referred to Angela Merkel as ‘a solid 4/10’. This didn’t stop him from striking lucrative deals for Greek yogurt and Swiss cheese; the latter being an effort to make America grate again. The Mexican wall project came to a grinding halt, running out of brick and mortar at El Paso. In a puzzling turn of events, Mexicans employed shovels and trampolines to get out of the country instead. On Valentine’s Day, he gifted back the state of Alaska to Russia, along with its ‘snow people’. This benevolence was commended by Russians and Alaskans alike.
TL;DR: Things were so bleak that House of Cards was cancelled after its fifth season for failing to one-up on real world diplomacy. But not to worry, Trump’s reality show The Secretary Apprentice aired every night as he shuffled his cabinet to nip impeachment threats in the bud.
Trump was seething with anger and could barely keep his wig on. In one swift motion he pushed down on the button, while bellowing the words ‘Radical Islamic Terrorism’. Dead silence.
His stumpy fingers couldn’t even press the button all the way down.
-Sudharshan Suresh, Batch of 2017
