2016

The year is 2017 and it has been about 4 years since the world was supposed to end.

Quoting local author Dugglis Adams,

“The world did not end as promised. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”

But for the most of us, life went on as usual, brushing-off moments of crippling existential crisis.

Of late, popular sentiment is that 2016 will go down as the worst year ever, in history. Such statements have drawn sharp criticism from pro-dinosaur activists who argue that the year ‘that’ meteor hit the Earth should be declared as the worst. They further demanded that the UN and the international community formally recognise their ‘extinction’ as genocide.

Depending on your age, race, sex, gender, orientation and all that we do not assume, you might feel differently upon reading all that we have listed. I personally sympathize with a only a few. The others were added in by my proof-reader.

 

WORLD:

I’ve been called a creep or weirdo and general variations of that sort over 873,232 times in the past year. This wouldn’t have distressed me at all, if it were not nearly double the number of people who’ve died in the entire Syrian war. Let me elaborate.

I share a profound interest in the Syrian civil war with a certain panda fanatic. It’s only that my interest is quite intricate. I spend most of my time watching airstrikes and ISIS beheadings on YouTube. Sometimes it is a solemn distraction and other times, I have to do with the salt in the peanuts I munch.

When people call you out for watching other people die, one would believe that all divisions of race, religion, nationality and class were transcended. Or it’s just that such things are not socially acceptable. We put on a farce, when we couldn’t give a damn.

It doesn’t help that both Russia and USA are fighting a proxy catfight, further delaying peace and have done very little in solving the migrant crisis that followed. Their love affair is so intense, that Rocky IV might be remade.

With so many locals dying and then with so many terror attacks happening all over the world (Though we all agree that the world is becoming a safer place and people are living better lives, I hope the crowd gets what I am driving at.) one becomes easily desensitised. It’s a lot similar to when you start getting acne. It starts with one pimple and your life turns inside out. You get the second, the third and when your whole face explodes into an ugly mess. At that point, you just don’t care. Of course, you feel helpless and everyone calls you ugly.

In the ensuing melodrama, Erdogan was successful in pulling an RG on his own country and furthered his agenda in converting Turkey into another Islamic State.

Migrating to more important issues, for example the death of harambe, Brexit or the election of DJ Trump as the president of Wunderbar Amerika. The times when everybody with a Facebook account becomes a political expert.

NOTHING IS TRUE, EVERYTHING IS PERMITTED:

Unfazed by the Panama Papers allegations, David Cameron resigned nevertheless, when he lost the European Membership referendum.

The referendum held on 23rd June, in which 52% of the electorate, which constitutes 28% of the population,were cast in favour of ‘leave’. The British Government, now under the leadership of Theresa May will invoke Article 50 and formally exit the European Union. So yes. England ‘unanimously’ declared independence.

With widespread criticism aimed at the gullibility of the general public, many experts think that most people should not be allowed to vote in referendums. It is also the case when idiots are elected. With UK’s leadership in disarray and themselves do not seem to understand what just happened, I’ll refrain from speculating on the possible reasons for the leave vote. (That was my Polish intern’s job and he is missing.)

Meanwhile, across the Atlantic, Donald J Trump was elected as the 45th President of the United States, though a certain subset of society insists on calling him God-Emperor-you-got-Trumped.

With the pure aspiration to “Make America great again”, Donald Trump tax evaded and built his way to the White House. And just to be safe, he was very vocal about race relations, gender inequality and the plight of robber barons. treated the final presidential debate in the manner of Al Capone at a Chicago law court.

Though his campaign was vibrant and filled with sensible claims, pro-establishment Hillary Clinton was the bookmaker’s favourite. After she finally  beat Bernie Sanders, it seemed like her victory was ensured,  not accounting for vote rigging and Gmail.(Rumours regarding legendary hacker четыре чан involvement could not be verified.)

But when Trump became the president, the streets were filled with protesters.. “Not my president” hit the headlines and the hashtags and Trump voters drew sharp criticism for their conduct. Fortunately, the loss of affordable health insurance after Trump scraps Obamacare will mean that everyone will be too busy or sick to complain.

Though the two-party and electoral college systems were bad ideas in themselves, a majority of the blame could be placed on the voters. There is a striking similarity with Brexit. The majority of the people were stupid and that led to Hillary’s loss. If Hillary had won, she would have solved all your problems, even if she did not address any of them in her campaign.

Again, I refrain from picking between scandal-free Hillary Clinton and Honest and Smart Donald Trump, but people have suggested that voting rights should be restricted. Only those with pro-nation interests (as decided by NSA) should be given a vote.

With Jan 20 fast approaching, new developments have come to light. ‘Forbes’ magazine has decided to rename its list of richest people. It will be called Trump’s Cabinet from now on as the future president will continue to run the nation as his many successful businesses. Also, ‘twitter’ will be taken over by the Secret Service, keeping the president’s security in mind. Barack Obama continues to make his lame-duck efforts, disrupting the lives of the average citizen.

INDIA:

Now the latest in India, after a brief stint of Kanhaiya Kumar and intolerance, we have DeMo.

In a totally unexpected move, the NaMo government banned the usage of old Rs500 and Rs 1000 currency. Aimed at reducing the amount of black money in our economy, by making it useless, it came as a huge blow to the lazy people who keep putting away their laundry.

When we asked government officials on their policies regarding black money stashed away abroad, they said………………………………….. (We were not allowed to release them.)

This move has drawn widespread praise as well as criticism from all sections of the society. Despite government claims that half of the population would not be affected as they had no cash anyway, the opposition did not refrain from washing out Parliament’s winter session.

The major complaint was that sufficient cash could not be dispatched to the banks and people were forced to suffer in long bank queues. When Hasbro, Monopoly’s publisher, offered to help by printing new notes for the RBI, RSS was quick to claim Chinese interference in Indian economy. This is a serious blow to Monopoly, as the lawsuit against it for ‘Instigating Violence’, is still pending in the International Court of Justice.

TECH

With Apple bringing in ground-breaking innovations, by removing the headphone jack in their new iphones, the government is considering banning Apple products in India. They have claimed that with them being so thin, the Indian corrupt are now storing their black money in black iphones. New dongles have emerged in the market for the exquisite purpose of converting them to white. But some economists have opposed this move, stating that the phones would be automatically demonetised with the release of the new iOS.

Not very far behind, Samsung has suffered a huge blow when their Note 7 models started to explode. Samsung issued a worldwide recall, stating ‘serious fire and burn hazard’ after the application of cold water did not work.

The recall took an unexpected turn when a major shipment of the recalled phones was stolen. Some of those phones made their way to ISIS, while the majority went to Best Korea.

US authorities believe that North Korea now has enough firepower to win a conventional war and their nukes could become deadlier.

Simultaneously, an advisory has been issued all over Europe, warning people to stay away from migrants with phones. There is a possibility of them being suicide bombers equipped with Note 7s.

SPORTS:

In the sporting world, the Brazilians organised ‘Rio Olympics-2016’ with much fanfare and enthusiasm. In spite of a collapsing government and a Zika epidemic, the games went without a hitch and were praised for their impact on the Brazilian economy.

These games were very important for us Indians as the success of our athletes proved that we were not a cricket-only nation after all. People commended the athletes for their valiant effort and our stunning medal count was celebrated. Various state governments have increased sports funding by awarding the likes of PV Sindhu, Sakshi Malik and Dipa Karmakar with humongous amounts of money. This momentary interest in sports shows that as a nation, we are changing for the better.

Added to all this, a few deaths made 2016 even worse.

David Bowie, Snape, Harper Lee, your self-esteem, Prince, Muhammad Ali, Gene Wilder, Leonard Cohen, Fidel Castro, John Glenn, George Michael, Carrie Fisher, and a couple more of coked up celebrities have all died this year. Their influence is deeply cherished and it sucks that you are still alive.

Whatever was the reason that 2016 sucked for you, either that Iran ended its diplomatic relation with Saudi Arabia or Patanjali selling everything but Cancer, for the very reason that earth revolves around the sun, we can look forward to a new year.

You don’t need to do your best every day. Make new resolutions that you’ll break and reset your Naughty or Nice list to zero.

May your 2017 suck anyway.

About the author:

What the hell was he thinking? I have no idea, maybe a rant.

“They call him shady and even the courts want him to stand up.”

 

-Sarath Reddy