Five steps to become popular

Step 1. LEARN THREE JOKES

           You’ll never need more than this (refer step 2).

1.       Insulting joke. You’re the popular one, you’re better than the rest of them.
2.       “Your birth-giver looks like a hairy undersized beetroot.”
3.       A joke based on current events. You’re not an airhead, you know things about   a lot of things. Popular AND informed.
4.       “Leonardo Di Caprio’s birth-giver looks like a hairy undersized beetroot.”
5.       A self-deprecating joke. You’re popular, but let people think you’re humble.
6.       “When I wake up in the morning, I look like a hairy undersized beetroot.”

Step 2. JOIN FIVE CLUBS.

When you’re involved in a whole bunch of things, you’ll hardly have the time to talk to people. Now, either you don’t have any friends, or you’re too cool to indulge in banter. In either case, people will still line up to talk to you, because you’re funny (refer step 1).

Step 3. FIND COOL WHATSAPP STATUS 

This is slightly harder. You need to look up trending things in the world – movies, TV shows, songs. Now get the first five words you see, string them together, and put it up. We’ll show you how this doesn’t go. (Avoid references to hairy, undersized beetroots.)

1.       Hymen for the weekend (Avoid spelling mistakes)
2.      Some people just want to watch the world turn (Don’t mess up epic quotes)

Pro tip! Avoid statuses like “Mah lyf mah rulezz” and “I am the one who roxxxx”.

Step 4. BUY EARPHONES

            The ultimate style factor. If you’ve got the money to spend, invest on Beats. If you don’t, the ones you got with your phone will do. Or else, ask your significantly less-popular friend – he’ll help you, because you’re on your way to becoming popular. Worst case, walk around with your fingers stuck in your ears.

Step 5. HELLO

            Develop your own distinct style of delivery. You need hand-eye-mouth coordination, honed with careful practice. Your hand must rise to its peak and your eyes must focus on your target at the precise instant your mouth expels the breath of the ‘h’ in your hello. Even consider appending a word of camaraderie – “man”, “bro”, “dude”.

Example:          Sup, mah nigguh!

Pro tip! In case you wish to mind your language, you may use our PG-13 version.

            “What is above us, my dear black friend?”

Pro tip! (Again) It is best to not refer to someone as a hairy undersized beetroot.

Good luck!

– Kaushik Sambamurthy and Ashwin Krishnan