Fake news: Russia to stage its own Olympics

Russia’s contingent for the Rio Olympics has been marred by controversy and corruption, with 118 athletes of the 389-strong contingent being banned from the games due to widespread doping. Amidst all the controversy surrounding the accusations of a massive state sponsored doping programme, Russian authorities have remained in denial about the dirty work behind the country’s mission to be put in the top spot of the Rio Olympics.

With the dream of standing on the Olympic podium at the 2016 edition crushed for many athletes, the Russian government, in an attempt to right its wrongs, has announced its own version of Olympics for the banned athletes.

Feeds got in touch with a credible representative from the Russian Sports Ministry, Yukanol Buggerov. Mr Buggerov stressed on the fact that their athletes were the best in the world without the aid of ‘drugs’. He said,“Our athletes are by far the best. We put our runners through rigorous training regimens, which include being chased around by a Siberian tiger that hasn’t been fed for three days. These drug allegations….they’re all lies. The Americans are spreading these rumours because they’re scared of us. They resort to such methods because they can’t stand not being number one. Their athletes are weak. Have you seen how much vodka a Russian athlete can gulp down? An American athlete can barely handle a drop. Pfft, weaklings.” he said.

Titled as the ‘Red Games’, these consist predominantly of track and field events, with some new events being included in a major tournament for the first time. Events such as ‘100m Dash’, ‘200m Dash’ are the usual, with ‘Barefoot Marathon’ and ‘Russian Standoff’ being innovative additions. ‘Barefoot Marathon’ is a marathon set in the cold depths of Siberia, testing the athlete’s survival skills as well as stamina. ‘Russian Standoff’ adds a spin to the Mexican standoff, from which its name is derived. Here, the athletes are armed with Molotov Cocktails and are of course, without protective gear.

Safety concerns regarding the extreme events were raised in our conversation with Mr Buggerov. He attempted to reassure us with some candid remarks.“Safety? I can assure you that the athletes here are a whole lot safer than the ones in Rio. Those guys are putting their lives on the line by using the bacteria-infested water, breathing the polluted air, and getting infected by viruses. But here, these germs all die of the freezing cold, so this makes us a lot safer than Rio!”

When we questioned him regarding the controversial name, ‘Red Games’, being an ominous reference to their communist past, he had this to say: “What? Of course not. The Red Games are so called to honour the blood and sweat that our athletes have shed.” Also, special invitations for the ‘Red Games’ have been sent out to the Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea, as well as Cuba. “The countries invited have been repeatedly oppressed by the Americans and their unfair rules,” was the official statement from Mr Buggerov.

Russian mathematicians have been crunching the numbers for days now, and have predicted that Russia will top the medal tally this year. “I left my job as a janitor in America to come back as a predictor for the Red Games in Russia. It feels good to be back home,” said Sta Tistic, the expert we got in contact with. However, while researching the topic, we found that it doesn’t take a lot of work to make these predictions, since there are only three participating countries. When we asked Mr Tistic about this, he warned us and immediately told us to ‘get out before our families were thrown off the top of a cliff’. Being ever so concerned about the safety and well-being of our families, we decided to leave it be.

Just like other major sporting events, the Red Games, too, has a mascot. ‘Tsar Ingez’ was announced as the mascot for the Red Games. Although the visual design of the mascot is yet to be released, it doesn’t take a Kasparov to figure out what it will look like.

The IOC is yet to make an official statement regarding the ‘Red Games’, and the IAAF refuses to acknowledge the competition. However, despite these obstacles, Mr Buggerov is confident that the ‘Red Games’ will turn out to be a resounding success. “All these global agencies and international alliances are conspiring against us. But I can only say to them: you can all bugger off!”

We are unable to publish further details regarding the issue due to threats from the Russian Mafia. We apologize for the inconvenience.

– Sandeep Krishnakumar and Srishyam Raghavan

Do not believe in fake news. If someone claims fake news isn’t fake, do not believe him either.